Moments you don't forget

Friday, March 02, 2007

Some days go from bad to worse. Yesterday was one of those days. I'll never forget it.

Yesterday was the one year anniversary of a devastating betrayal in our lives...you know how those one year anniversaries can be...although I didn't realize it was "the" day until I was already knee deep in grief. The boys came home from school with a piece of news that related to that situation a year ago and innocently dropped it on my already raw heart. I couldn't hold it together and they saw my deep sorrow. What do 9 and 7 year old boys do with a mom's sorrow? Today I know that we should all be 9 and 7 year old boys.

Jordan, my "feeler" of course blamed himself and was certain that if he just went and had another conversation, he could fix everything. I told him that we have been trying to fix things for a year now and couldn't find anything that would work. His jaw dropped to hear that we had been trying for a whole year (that's like a lifetime in kid years), and then he stuck his chin up, looked me in the face with tears threatening his eyes and said, "then we'll just have to keep trying." He had no idea that this was the one truth I couldn't find the strength to tell myself today.

We sat on my bed. I had to convince Jordan that it was nothing he had done and that he wasn't going to be able to solve it (although somewhere in the back of my mind I sort of wondered if he might actually be able to pull off what we couldn't). I told them that nothing had changed between yesterday and today...that their news had just caught me off guard and I was already having a hard day that's all. I told them I would be alright and they didn't have to be sad and cry too. Jordy looks up into my face, giant alligator tears rolling down his cheeks and says, "Somewhere in the Bible it says that you should laugh with those who laugh and cry with those who cry, and I think if you're crying and sad, we should cry with you." I pulled him onto my lap, buried my face in his soft blonde hair and we cried. Caleb laid his head on the bed next to me. They stayed.

What do 7 and 9 year old boys do with a mom's sorrow? They stay...which is so much more than I can say for most adults. I learned a lot. I'll never forget those moments. I know when Job's friends first came and witnessed his devastation, they just sat with him in silence for seven days. There was beauty and wisdom in that. I'll never forget the strength of my 7 year old's heart yesterday. The strength to feel it all and then stay anyway. Thank you boys. Your mommy doesn't deserve you.

Raging Sea

Thursday, March 01, 2007

MW Smith

Sometimes the journey makes you weary
Feels like a long and winding road
Sometimes this life can lose it's meaning
But you might be surprised to find some hope
Maybe you're wondering where love is
You may feel it's far away from here
Maybe you're wondering where I am
You might be surprised to find I'm near

And when your life is tossed and turning
And you are on the raging sea
I'll come and pull you from the water
Then you will know that you are free

So if you're stumbling through the valley
Or if you're tempted to give up the fight
Reach out your hand and I will lead you
I will be your strong arm in the night


Boy do i get weary. I wrote on my shower door this morning, "What if there's hope you never dreamed of hoping for". It's another song lyric.

My friends can't understand the mountain I climb, the path I follow. That can make you feel like you're crazy. But if you know you're following the God of creation, it can't be all that crazy can it? Then again, maybe that's exactly what it is! Who else does this?!

We talked last night at youth group about the calling of the disciples. We don't know what made them drop their fishing nets so quickly and follow this Rabbi, but we do know that only these 12 (and really only 11 of them) followed all the way through the bitter finish line. John 6:66 says, "from that time on many turned back and no longer followed him." I was quite struck by the location of that verse...666?! Six in scripture is the number of man, 666 the number of "the beast". The question I left my girls with was...will you follow man or this Jesus? The latter is exponentially harder. There's no way to know right now which they will choose. When the others turned back, Jesus turned to the 12 and asked if they would go too. Was he discouraged? Peter's my hero. "Where else would we go dear Rabbi, God of all creation, friend? You have the words of life." I think Jesus was grateful for him in that moment. He had to have felt discouraged...he was well acquainted with suffering. And I guess I'm glad to know that Jesus knows what it's like to feel the way I feel today.

I don't understand this path. No one does. My friends advise me to walk away from the task put before me. "This is not worth your effort," they say. "Walk away. Put your love and energy into someone who deserves it," they say.

Maybe the path I follow really is crazy. Or maybe it's brilliant beyond measure. All I know is that I keep on lifting one foot in front of the other, following the small circle of light that my guide shines on the path in front of me, because what if there is hope I never dreamed of? I won't find it by giving up. If I give up I'll never know if there actually were answers, rest, life, beauty, riches...right around the next corner. Oh how I long for that to be this corner. sigh.

So for today, it must be only the seemingly tenuous ropes of "What if..." that I grab onto as I pull myself up...one more time. Oh I hope it holds me.

Pain and Poetry

Friday, February 09, 2007

I have found pain to be a truer messenger
than ever pleasure could be.
When I step into icy waters,
Frothy ocean breakers
a babbling crystal mountain stream
And the icy fingers like knives shoot up my legs
I am reminded by this,
more than any other sensation,
that indeed, I am alive.
A corpse feels not pain.
And so with you.
The pain that grips me even now in separation
Bears witness, sure and true
to the depth of my love
A witness that no pleasure, no matter how great
Has ever borne.