Moments you don't forget

Friday, March 02, 2007

Some days go from bad to worse. Yesterday was one of those days. I'll never forget it.

Yesterday was the one year anniversary of a devastating betrayal in our lives...you know how those one year anniversaries can be...although I didn't realize it was "the" day until I was already knee deep in grief. The boys came home from school with a piece of news that related to that situation a year ago and innocently dropped it on my already raw heart. I couldn't hold it together and they saw my deep sorrow. What do 9 and 7 year old boys do with a mom's sorrow? Today I know that we should all be 9 and 7 year old boys.

Jordan, my "feeler" of course blamed himself and was certain that if he just went and had another conversation, he could fix everything. I told him that we have been trying to fix things for a year now and couldn't find anything that would work. His jaw dropped to hear that we had been trying for a whole year (that's like a lifetime in kid years), and then he stuck his chin up, looked me in the face with tears threatening his eyes and said, "then we'll just have to keep trying." He had no idea that this was the one truth I couldn't find the strength to tell myself today.

We sat on my bed. I had to convince Jordan that it was nothing he had done and that he wasn't going to be able to solve it (although somewhere in the back of my mind I sort of wondered if he might actually be able to pull off what we couldn't). I told them that nothing had changed between yesterday and today...that their news had just caught me off guard and I was already having a hard day that's all. I told them I would be alright and they didn't have to be sad and cry too. Jordy looks up into my face, giant alligator tears rolling down his cheeks and says, "Somewhere in the Bible it says that you should laugh with those who laugh and cry with those who cry, and I think if you're crying and sad, we should cry with you." I pulled him onto my lap, buried my face in his soft blonde hair and we cried. Caleb laid his head on the bed next to me. They stayed.

What do 7 and 9 year old boys do with a mom's sorrow? They stay...which is so much more than I can say for most adults. I learned a lot. I'll never forget those moments. I know when Job's friends first came and witnessed his devastation, they just sat with him in silence for seven days. There was beauty and wisdom in that. I'll never forget the strength of my 7 year old's heart yesterday. The strength to feel it all and then stay anyway. Thank you boys. Your mommy doesn't deserve you.